During this last week of summer, I am on vacation with my family in Southern Jersey, about an hour and a half outside of Philly. As I expected, in my three days here so far, I have seen my share of red (and even some old-school maroon). However, I’ve been seeing a few other colors too. In what has been the extent of my scientific activity this summer, I’ve kept track of the number of people of seen wearing MLB gear. The results, three days into my seven-day vacation, are as follows:
1 Red Sox
1 White Sox (Okay, okay, it’s me. Gotta represent!)
I’ll be keeping this tally all week. I don’t doubt that I’ll see at least 100 Phillies fans by week’s end. If I was keeping track of football teams, I’m sure I would be able to confirm that I’ll see 100 Eagles fans as well.
So, I can tell you all about the doings of Halladay and
Rollins and all the rest, but I’m a bit fuzzy about my boys. I do know that last night, a dazzling and still rare display of offense was put on for show. 10-0 against the often-potent Rangers? I can live with that. I also know that Carlos Quentin has joined A.J. Pierzynski and Philip Humber among the ranks of the injured. Though Q isn’t expected to hit the DL, this is really a bad time for the injury bug to bite the Sox. With the Tigers sweep of the Indians, it looks like we might actually be able to move into second.
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from you. Last I’ve heard is that you want to come back. I’ve also heard that you finally realize what you are: a 37-year-old with poor range in the outfield. Such self-actualization is always wonderful news to hear. I’m glad you no longer find $3 million insulting, like you did last year. I’m glad you declared that money is no longer an issue (though I wonder how true that is).
So I’ve heard there are some teams calling you up. Not the White Sox, of course, but you must not take that personally. See, we have Adam Dunn to be our DH, and he’s much younger than you, not to mention he has a full head of hair (I’ve never cared much for your shaved-head look). And he has such a lovely disposition, see?
I see that you’ve chatted with the Rays, Rockies, and Phillies, though two of those teams don’t make any sense. As you and I both know, you and the outfield aren’t exactly a match made in heaven anymore. And as you also know, the National League does not employ designated hitters. I see that you are open to the idea of playing first base, but the Phillies have this guy at first base. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him. They pay him lots of money.
Whoops, wrong one. This one also gets paid lots of money.
Anyways, I don’t think the Phillies would want to get rid of the second Ryan Howard for you, and the Rockies have Todd Helton at first, who is pretty much you with a goatee. But the Rays…yes, you should definitely sign with the Rays. See, I live in Yankees territory, and I get to see any Yankee game I want on the YES Network. The Yankees and Rays play each other quite frequently, and I would love to see you on TV, being a former White Sock and all. Plus, the Rays don’t exactly have their designated hitter or first baseman roles cemented. You would be a lovely fit.
So, whaddya think? I haven’t heard much lately from you, and I’m eager to see you in a uniform again, even if it’s not the Black and White. Hope to see you bashing homers real soon,