Tonight, the Sox played the Rays on MLB Network, which means I finally got to watch them live for the first time all season. Unfortunately, my cable was acting up and I missed the first three innings. By the time my TV stopped cubing and freezing, we were up 5-0, en route to a 9-2 final score, which snaps our seven-game losing streak.
It was a lot of fun to watch this game, where everything seemed to click. It was clean, tight baseball. No sloppy fielding, no leaving the bases loaded, just a fun game to watch. Floyd did plunk a couple of guys and threw a wild pitch, but hey, as long as it didn’t lead to a barrage of runs by the Rays, I was happy. Plus, Juan Pierre picked me up another stolen base for my fantasy team, which is nice since I’m getting creamed in all other offensive categories. Apparently, all of the other position players I selected have decided to take the month of April off, with the exception of Ryan Braun. I sadly had to bid adieu to the only other two guys on my roster who are awake, Curtis Granderson and Nick Swisher, to obtain Neftali Feliz. (Thank you, Matt Thornton, for letting me down in the relief-pitching area and forcing me to make that trade. Yet another reason I am annoyed with you.)
Anyways, I’m hoping the ChiSox give me an encore of tonight on Monday, when I get to see them live and in the flesh at Yankee Stadium. The pitching matchup does not look pretty though: Philip Humber (he of the 4.42 ERA) against A.J. Burnett (he of the 4.37 ERA). Sigh. Maybe they’ll defy all logic and get me home by 11 so I can actually be conscious for my Spanish test 1st period. Then again, 1st period starts at 7:25 a.m., so that’s unlikely, game or no game.
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from you. Last I’ve heard is that you want to come back. I’ve also heard that you finally realize what you are: a 37-year-old with poor range in the outfield. Such self-actualization is always wonderful news to hear. I’m glad you no longer find $3 million insulting, like you did last year. I’m glad you declared that money is no longer an issue (though I wonder how true that is).
So I’ve heard there are some teams calling you up. Not the White Sox, of course, but you must not take that personally. See, we have Adam Dunn to be our DH, and he’s much younger than you, not to mention he has a full head of hair (I’ve never cared much for your shaved-head look). And he has such a lovely disposition, see?
I see that you’ve chatted with the Rays, Rockies, and Phillies, though two of those teams don’t make any sense. As you and I both know, you and the outfield aren’t exactly a match made in heaven anymore. And as you also know, the National League does not employ designated hitters. I see that you are open to the idea of playing first base, but the Phillies have this guy at first base. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him. They pay him lots of money.
Whoops, wrong one. This one also gets paid lots of money.
Anyways, I don’t think the Phillies would want to get rid of the second Ryan Howard for you, and the Rockies have Todd Helton at first, who is pretty much you with a goatee. But the Rays…yes, you should definitely sign with the Rays. See, I live in Yankees territory, and I get to see any Yankee game I want on the YES Network. The Yankees and Rays play each other quite frequently, and I would love to see you on TV, being a former White Sock and all. Plus, the Rays don’t exactly have their designated hitter or first baseman roles cemented. You would be a lovely fit.
So, whaddya think? I haven’t heard much lately from you, and I’m eager to see you in a uniform again, even if it’s not the Black and White. Hope to see you bashing homers real soon,